I have never been so eager to see a year end as I am this year.
2019 was not kind to me and if I’m honest, it’s been the most difficult of my life. 2018 was a very close second for the hardest year.
On December 30, 2018, my husband of 33 years walked out our front door and has not been back since. For the first time in 56 years, I entered a new year by myself, alone, with a heap of emotions and a truckload of questions.
What did 2019 bring to me?
More tears than I have ever cried before
Depression
Despair
Grieving
Thoughts of suicide
Panic attacks
Loneliness
Regret
Anger
Betrayal
Trauma
PTSD
Self doubt
Separation from family
Mental craziness
Emotional upheaval constantly
Shame
Fear
Insecurity
Lack of focus
Secrets
Health issues
Heartache like I’ve never known
Abandonment
Deceit
Anxiety
Unknown future
Weakness
Gut wrenching sadness
Rejection
Hurt
Failure
Personal attack
Gas lighting
Therapy
This year has been a journey I would never wish on anyone. It’s difficult to write the above list as my mind races through the year and all that I’ve been through.
So many lessons that I forced myself to work through on days when I really didn’t feel like I had anything left; silent battles that left me depleted, broken and feeling so worthless.
But I refused to quit. I fought for my family, for my children and mostly, I fought for me. The battle has been long and I’ve begged for relief and answers when the blackness seemed surely to destroy me. And just now, after a long year, those answers are beginning to show up.
Slowly, as I continue to heal, I will share my journey because I know there are others who know and understand this kind of journey, this unimaginable pain. I also believe with my whole heart that nothing, not one tear, not one hurt is wasted in God’s economy. As I trudge through the mire and place one foot in front of the other to climb out of this pit, I wear the scars of self-awareness, wounds of my own unhealthy responses and reactions, and the understanding of triggers and years of trauma.
The dawning of 2020 will bring hope and strength. I know my battles are far from over. But I know my hard fought-for answers will equip me as I continue to fight for my healing, my family, my future, and the right way to conclude a failed marriage.
So raise a glass with me to new beginnings, to hope and the faithfulness of a Savior who never leaves us.
Here’s to 2020 and clearer vision for the road ahead!